June 17, 2008

Get DOWN With Your Nigerian Bad Self!!!

It's time for a short break for The Dish...(not to be confused with break dancing, which I am quite good at, btw)

We have a son getting married on Saturday, so have to shave my legs, pluck my eyebrows, find some shoes that aren't flip flops, that I can bust a move in, to "We Are Family" at the reception...besides, it’s really hot, and I don’t want to cook or bake. So you can see how BUSY I AM, OK?

What’s your opinion about hats? I mean, I found a really cool one, you know, to wear to the wedding. My sister said “you’ll look an ass”. She's just jealous I look like English nobility. But, I’m just thinking how awesome those Royal broads look when they’re going to the horse races or knighting Richard Branson, or whatever the hell they do on weekends.

Don't worry, I'll wear some blush.

Ok, I know some of you read a post I made a month or so ago about a nice Nigerian man who needed some info from me so he could send me 68 million dollars. I wrote back, saying I’d send him some fudge, but that’s about it. I never did see my money, dang him. Those Nigerians are soooo unreliable! But I'm intrigued by their...earnest persistence and apparent willfullness to trust total strangers.

So, I get an email AGAIN from ANOTHER guy from Nigeria. He’s a “Manager”…I don’t know of what, but it appears I’m in for yet ANOTHER chunk of change! For my “goodself”, I’ll get 10 million dollars. I must be very goodself! Again, I’m rather concerned about the lack of proper SPELLING instructions these Nigerian guys get in school! I guess going to school with a bunch of holy cows milling around in the schoolhouse is distracting!

I’m pretty honored, you know – this is a “TWO-Man business deal” and he thinks he can trust me. And evidently, I can see from my email that LOTS of people trust me. And generally, they're from Africa, Iraq, and the United Nations. How come nobody in the USA has millions of dollars laying around, unclaimed?? Huh? Can you tell me the answer to THAT mystery?

I’ll see you knuckleheads after the wknd!

From the Desk of:Mr.Jason Ifekadima

With great pleasure I Mr.Jason Ifekadima, working with a bank here in Nigeria as a Manager. I am writing you in respect of a foreign customer (an Oil consultant/contractor with our National Oil & Liquidified Gas Sector) whom made a US$25M depository for an investment program that has remained dormant for years now.

(Umm, I’m wondering if I can take part of my share of the money in actual GAS??? For my CAR??? Like, have you seen the price of gas in America??? Can you send some money to those OPEC guys? It appears that they need some!)

Hence, I have decided to contact you due to the urgency of this transaction. On my personal investigation, I discovered that the account holder died on December 2002 in the Ukrainian aircraft crash.

(Another plane crash! All these rich guys dropping like flies!!! Ukrainian?? Everyone knows those guys can’t fly!!! Doesn’t anybody fly Southwest over there?)

I made further investigation and discovered that the customer died without making a WILL on the depository.It may interest you to know that I am only contacting you as a foreigner because this money cannot be approved to a local Bank account here, but can only be approved to a foreigner with an account since the money is in US Dollars. I have decided as a matter of urgency upon this discovery now seek your permission to have you stand as next of kin to the fund as No one has ever come forward to claim this fund.

(Damn straight, Skippy, it DOES interest me! I’ll be the guy’s family, for sure! If I can find a Nigerian outfit at Target, I’ll wear it, and take a picture and send it along, ok? Do Nigerians wear…hats? Cause I found one that I like A LOT.)

It may also interest you to know that I have secured from the probate an ORDER OF MADAMUS to locate any of deceased beneficiary. In accordance to Nigerian Law, fund deposited for over a period of Six (6) years without claim will be reverted to the Government treasury, if nobody applies to claim this fund.

(MADAMUS?? What’s that? Like a ‘Madam who must’, or ‘musty Madam’? What exactly are you saying here, Mr. Jason??? I’m a little confused....and possibly insulted!)

I will like you to provide immediately your full Names and Address, Date of Birth, Occupation, Tel & Fax Numbers so that an Attorney will be able to prepare the necessary documents and affidavit which will put you in place as the next of kin. The Attorney will draft and carry out the notarization of the WILL and also obtain the necessary documents and letter of probate/administration in your favour for the transfer. At the successful conclusion of this business, your goodself shall be entitled to have 40% that is, USD$10M of the total money while I will have 55% that is USD$13.750M and 5% that is SD$1.250M for communications and other expenses. I am ready to invest a reasonable percentage of mine into any viable business you suggest as a joint partner. Your percentage will also be a source of upliftment. You have absolutely nothing to LOSE in assisting me instead, you have so much to GAIN. Be rest assured that this transaction would be most profitable for both of us.

(A source of “upliftment”? Ohhhh, yeah, I’m talkin’ MAJOR "upliftment" for 10 million dollars! Extreme make-over "upliftment", if you get my drift, Jason! Dolly Parton upliftment!!!! WOOT!)

Your response is highly imperative as this is a TWO-man business deal transaction as I shall then provide you with more details and relevant documents that will help you understand the transaction. I need your assistance and co-operation to this reality as I have done my Home-work and fine tune the best way to create you as the beneficiary while I would use my connection and money to secure almost all the paperwork for this transaction which will be done by the Attorney and my position as the Branch Manager guarantees the successful execution of this transaction with you as the beneficiary to this fund.

(You can count on me, Jason! I’m your other MAN! It's a good thing you're an esteemed African 'Branch Manager'! The bank branch managers around here are one step up from Domino's Pizza delivery guys!)

I will appreciate your early reply for commencement of business. Contact me for acknowledgment by E-mail and whereby you are not interested, please indicate in your reply so that I can seek for the assistance of someone else. If this proposal is acceptable by you, I expect that you will not take undue advantage of the trust I Will bestow in you. I await your urgent response.Thanks with great regards......Mr.Jason Ifekadima

(I'd LOVE to do some "commencement of business", but, um, I'm a little busy, Jason, what with the wedding, hats, etc....I'm wondering if you could send me about couple of million just to tide me over? I promise I'll get you all the information you need pretty soon. It's just that this hat I'm looking at is a bit pricey. You can wire the other 8 million after I get my info to you, ok?)

I did find a recent picture of Jason....I'm not sure I'll ever get that money


Nikki Miller-Ka said...

Oh, hell. I get SPAM from Nigerians, English, Scots, and some Irish, too. It's a sad business. And they let you know it's SPAM too!

BTW, congratulations on the new addition to your family and the upcoming nuptials.

Adam said...

Haha branch managers are totally a step above domino's employees. Maybe Papa John's too... maybe.

Congrats on your sons wedding... as far as the hat goes, I mostly trust what my family says, but then again I like to be the center of attention also. I say wear the hat, drink some wine, and dance like its 1985 and you're turning Japanese.

JennDZ - The Leftover Queen said...

Have a great time at the wedding! I am sure you will look smashing with your hat. I have always wanted to wear a hat to a wedding and look all high brow!

Cakespy said...

What a coincidence, I just won the National Lottery! Seems like we're both gonna strike it rich!! :-) And bully to you or owning the hat. I love hats but think I have a weird head shape?

glamah16 said...

I am part Nigerian and always prided myself on never haven got any of these until recently.It was bad enough fending off all the poor realatives after my father died for Visa sponsorship requests , money, etc. Its a shame because it id one of the most creative brillant countries just rife with corruption. If only all that talent was used for legitimate means.
I love hats BTW and have a huge collection. I dont care what anyone thinks. [Peple are always trying to borrow mine after I wear them.

Lisa said...

Oh, hats are so fun! Wear one!
Have fun at the wedding. Wow, I won some Nigerian money also. It is so much money that I told the second man I might not have any room in my mattress for it. Guess I'll have to use some of the money to buy a bigger mattress!

Jeff said...

Have an awesome time at the wedding and I love the hat.

Heather said...

lol, oh how you crack me up so.

Your hat is hot sex, don't listen to anything anyone says otherwise. She's just player hatin'. Tell her to "hate on, hater!"

Camilla said...

This is hilarious, Catherine! Hope the wedding is beautiful, have a wonderful time, Catherine!

Dhanggit said...

oh i hate spamming business!! i get from everywhere. the worst one that i had was my fashion online boutique blog's that received a whopping 40 thousand spam comments :-(

congrats on the up-coming wedding! i think you'll be pretty and elegant in hat :-)

Prudy said...

One request-please post daily! You are a hoot and I need more :)
Congrats on your son's wedding.

Mike of Mike's Table said...

Enjoy the wedding!

And I love those nigerian/419 emails. The counter-scam transcripts that you can find online are the best.

Leah said...

Gotta love those beyond generous Nigerians....they've hit me up too, but I've already got enough money. Totally kidding!

Love the hat....can't wait to see the pictures from the wedding!

Also, is that Elaine in the picture at the top of your post? I love the episode where she's dancing at the office party! If that's not her, then never mind!!

Zen Chef said...

I get those mail ALL the freakin' time too! So annoying!

Hey, is that you on the first picture?? hahaha. Have a great wedding party!!

Karen said...

I always thought the Nigerians were a very giving culture, so that must explain it.

You are a hoot!

Veronica said...

Congrats on your son's wedding! Can't wait to read about it.

I just hate those Nigerian scammers...they know just the button to push with me to get me to open those scammin' emails: "you've won". I'm so gullible and/or desperate.

ntsc the art of the pig said...

I've gotten one from the Director of the FBI.

Glad to find your blog, via the foodie blogroll

Birdie said...

Hi Cathrine:

I keep checking in hoping to find an update. I hope things a better with your daughter, I'll keep you in my thoughts and prayers.

PS Congrats of the pie!!!

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"The Dish" by Catherine Wilkinson is licensed under a Creative Commons Attribution 3.0 United States License.